Friends of mine know I endured a horrible car accident 5 years ago, and new people in my life may or may not know I did, but not everyone knows the details involved. So today I want to share my story for those who don't know. And why? Because seeing my scars today in the mirror inspired it, but also because stories were meant to be shared - both good and bad, and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.
My very first recollection of that day was opening my eyes in the ambulance and not being able to move at all. Panic! Oh God, the panic! I couldn't even turn my head to look around me. "Do you know where you are Amanda?" one of the EMT's asked me. " Where am I? What happened?! Am I in the hospital?" They told me I was in a car accident and they were bringing me to the hospital. Now because I couldn't feel a thing or move, I thought I was paralyzed and so I asked if I was. All they could tell me was that they didn't know yet and that we will have to wait until we get to the hospital.
Fading in and out of consciousness, and the taste of blood in my mouth, I was scared honestly. Really scared. I awoke to being in an awful all white hospital room surrounded by 3 doctors discussing getting an immediate CAT scan. I was pumped with all kinds of drugs and hooked up to an IV so my memory of everything and my story is missing pieces as I faded in and out. I remember hearing them talk about this man named Clayton. "He was so worried about her he just called the ER" said one nurse to the other. ' Who the hell is Clayton?' I though to myself. It went black again. I opened my eyes this time to a nurse by my side with a small cold aluminum tray and a matching bowl. Next to it was a washcloth and long tweezers. She proceeded to to take this wet washcloth and wipe it across my face, dragging it over every single little tiny glass shard that was lodged in my face, trying to clean me up. It hurt so bad but because I was so doped up I couldn't even find the words to tell her to stop and that it was so painful. She just kept dragging this cloth across my face pulling every piece of glass even more through my skin.....and there was glass everywhere on the right side of my face. I then remember her picking up tweezers and starting to pull out each individual piece of glass, one at a time. I would hear it drop into the aluminum bowl and then back to tweezing, pull and drop, pull and drop. My face was on fire. I then started to tear up because I suddenly realized no one was there, no family, no friends, no boyfriend. I asked the nurse where my boyfriend was and if he knew. She said everyone was contacted but she didn't know when they would be here. I closed my eyes again, full of tears and went to sleep. I awake to see a familiar face, my love, Chris (my boyfriend at that time). Some immediate comfort. I asked him if he knew the extent and he didn't. Now whether or not he was just saying that to avoid me panicking more I'm not sure, but looking back I appreciate that if it was the case. I remember my lips feeling really dry and while laying there I asked him if I could have some of his Chapstick, if he could put it on for me. He had this regretful face and said "Babe, I don't think you need Chapstick right now" , and I reply " Yes I do, my lips are so dry and they hurt" . He holds my hand and says to me " Babe, I can't. Your lips are absolutely full of glass and blood" . My eyes widened, I reached up to touch my lips and I remember them feeling just like a low grit sandpaper but really sharp. When I pulled my hand back and looked at my fingers, they were sparkling with glass shards. At this point I immediately started to softly sob. All I wanted was to just go home and feel better. Eventually my family showed up, and another friend/ room mate that lived with Chris and I. Only memories of looking at them all around my bed, and them fading in and out. The doctor then came in and explained what happened to me. He had told me I had left work, and within two blocks of my work, upon going through an intersection, a man in a van had ran a red light doing 70km/hr and 't-boned' my car from my passenger side. My head had smashed through the glass at the top right hand corner of my windshield. My hip had broke my gear shift and I suffered a bad concussion. They didn't find any broken bones but told me the soft tissue damage was at an extreme level and to take all necessary time off work, get to physiotherapy, massage, and the doctors on a weekly basis until I can recover. I also was to attend a group for people who have suffered bad concussions and to see a neuropsychologist in time to test all cognitive levels. They gave me a name and number of a man named Clayton before I left. They said that this man was at the scene of the accident and had managed to force his way into my car to help me when I was unconscious. He had apparently witnessed the entire accident as he was walking outside to his parked car that was right near the scene. He held my head up and tried talking to me until the ambulance came. He had called the hospital, and left his name and number with them to have me call him as soon as I was better to let him know I was okay because he was apparently really worried about me and worried that no family or friends had shown up, and that he couldn't get a hold of anyone from my cell phone directory he had found in the car while tending to me (I eventually did end up calling him to thank him so much for being there to help me, and took him and his wife out for breakfast months later as a further thank you and also to see if by seeing his actual face, if it would trigger any memory or recollection of the incident. It didn't. I didn't remember his face at all even though he got my eyes open and had tried talking to me).
Upon getting home, I couldn't support my own head for 2 weeks, I couldn't shower/bathe without help for over a week, I couldn't actually pull myself out of bed for 2 weeks. Literally. My boyfriend would have to help me get up before he left for work in the morning otherwise I wouldn't be able to get up. He also would have to wake up in the middle of the night every night to help me sit up to take my 3 different pain meds I was on. For an entire month we had to change and wash the sheets every single day because after i slept in them, they would be sparkly from the tiny glass fragments working their way out of my body. We had dark sheets so it showed up like a star-lit sky. Again, more emotional tears came when after the 2nd day he told me he was sorry but he couldn't sleep with me in the same bed because of all the glass that kept coming out of my skin. Now if being in pain from this whole thing wasn't already enough, try having your one comfort, your love, tell you they can't even be next to you when you sleep. It sucked, let me tell you, I wanted nothing more than to be held and comforted, to make the pain go away, but sadly, nope. Anyways I was off work for 3 months, I got all types of treatment for over a year. The pain in my neck was slightly decreasing, and the range of motion in my head/neck had improved but it was at this plateau and would not go any further. Limited neck motions make things really difficult, and headache frequency was becoming something as normal as brushing my teeth!
Fast forward a couple years and I started working as a Registered Massage Therapist at a chiropractic clinic. Working there I decided to try out chiro for the first time. Upon explaining my last injury, the doctors explained to me that they would be able to help me and bring my neck back to 100%. Oh so hopeful I was when I heard this news! The fact that there was a possibility this pain would be gone and I'd have normal neck movement back excited me beyond belief. As months went by with chiro treatment they all became puzzled as to why I wasn't getting any better. They sent me for x-rays again as the last ones I had done was that day at the hospital. When they got the results back they pulled me into the office to show me what they saw. They saw two things ; the dens (which is the odontoid process of C2 or the 2nd cervical vertebrae) was fractured and instead of being straight up vertically which is how it's supposed to be, it was to the right like a little right hook none spur) . The second thing they saw was the right side of my 1st and 2nd cervical vertebrae were degenerating (arthritis) and trying to fuse together. Now I can sit here and explain more details anatomically but I don't want to get off track too much. Basically what this means is over time, the two vertebrae that are breaking down and trying to fuse, will only worsen and range of motion will decrease. Also, with that right hook 'dens' bone not bring straight up, it's very close to my brain stem now, and the doctors explained a few things with that. They told me that first of all I am an extremely lucky girl and lucky to be alive because when that bone fractured, it was almost completely broken off BUT because of the fact I couldn't move my neck, it somehow helped stabilize it and it healed (to the right but it still healed nevertheless). It's unfortunate the hospital neglected to pick that up in the X-Ray but they explained how if I had gone to a chiropractic clinic to have my neck adjusted soon after my accident, it would have killed me or I would have basically become a vegetable because of how close that piece was to my brain stem, and because it would have completely snapped off! Another thing they mentioned is that I cannot get into another bad car accident again involving any type of severe whiplash because although that bone is stabilized, it's not positioned right and it is very fragile and would likely break upon impact and potentially kill me. Not that an accident is anything that one can 100% prevent or anything but I guess that's good to know.
And now? How am I doing now? What's life like for me right now and how am I managing?
Well, I make sure that I try to do my very best at taking care of myself, properly stretching, massaging, recognizing when I'm in too much pain and to know when to stop or take care of it. I also do lots of strengthening for my upper back and neck because I want that beast stronger that ever and absolutely bulletproof! The way I see it, it must have already been strong enough to sustain that kind of injury without something even worse happening, so as my duty I will continue to take care of it and keep it as strong as I can for the years ahead of me. I don't want it stopping me or slowing me down too much from anything so this is what I'll have to keep doing. The range of motion is okay some days, worse on other days. The pain is constant, but something I've just become accustomed to ( as bad as that sounds, I know) but some days the pain is pretty minimal, and then of course there are bad days. I just know that I have to keep fighting it, that's all! And when I see those faint scars on my forehead, around my eye, and that little piece of my right eyebrow that never really grows back like how it used to be, it will be a painful but sweet memory of just how strong and resilient one can be if they just hang in there, hold their chin up and wear their battle wounds with pride, whether that be physically or emotionally. We all have injuries we sustain in life ; break-ups, deaths, emotional losses, physical wounds and illnesses. But if we can figure out a way to try take those merit badges we've earned and wear them with pride knowing that we can overcome anything we're faced with if we try really really hard, then really....what can't we handle, right? Have your moments and times of sadness and pain, regret and fear, but at the end of the day know and believe that you're a warrior!
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."
-Ernest Hemmingway
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