The Puzzle Pieces That Are Me

Within the last 4-5 years I would have to say I have learned so much about myself.  Particularly the last 3 years, and I can't even really pin point why. I know there has been a lot of change that has occurred with my life in that time frame, including the end of a long term job and the start of a new career, and the ending of a long term relationship in which I thought was indefinitely destined for marriage. Well as we all know, life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will. In fact, it almost never does. But that's not to say that the unexpected is necessarily a bad thing. The optimistic part of me thinks that one door never closes without another door opening up, even though we might not see it immediately.

Funny, when I think of when I was in my early twenties I thought I knew everything. I mean, don't we all? We think we have it all figured out, who we really are, what we will and will not stand for, and what we aspire to be. Now looking back, I throw my head back and laugh at twenty year old me. Not because at 30 now I think I know everything about myself, no, no, no...not at all. It's because I have come to the realization of just how diverse and deep we are inside, and how we are always growing, changing, evolving. It never stops. I think it's beautiful actually. We're like plants that way, always growing, and changing direction. You may not think you are, for whatever reason. You may think that possibly because you have been stuck in the same rut for a long time, and that nothing has changed much in your life, that you're not growing. But you are! Inside!

One of the things I have really started to enjoy and cherish in my late 20s and now even into my 30s is the quiet moments I have alone with myself, my mind. As an example, years ago I used to get so angry being stuck in rush hour traffic. I would clench my teeth and fume the entire time, giving myself a headache over it. Now? Now I have been able to make some light of the situation, and I take that time to reflect on me, my day, my life, and just get to know the me inside a little bit better. Yes I realize this may sound a bit  hippy or super spiritual, but it's true! And if that makes me a hippy, then I guess that makes me a hippy. Ha ha!
Honestly though, the times where it's just me and my thought are some of the best, most sweetest moments I look forward to. It's too easy for us to just float along in life, blasting through our days without giving it much thought, and just praying for the days to pass as quickly as possible until you get to the weekend, or that vacation you may be counting down for, or just that deadline you might have for something. But what about the days in between?

When I sit back and have that time to myself, I have reflected things. I have thought about my past, my present, and my future. I have thought of occurrences that have shaped me into who I am today. Obviously not all good, however when I look at the big picture and the end result, I wouldn't have it any other way because who the hell wants to be perfect? I sure as hell don't. Perfect is boring.

Knowing and experiencing what I have gone through in life, the friendships Ive had and have, the decisions Ive made whether good or bad, and well...everything else in between IS the reason I am who I am today! It's the reason I've grown to enjoy the things I enjoy, appreciate and value the things and people that I do, love the people I love, see the places I've seen, ask the questions I ask, live for the things that I live for, and want to be the person that I want to be or strive to be. Each year I learn more about myself than the previous year and I almost feel like it's the equivalent of adding a puzzle piece to a giant 1000 piece puzzle (you know the ones I'm talking about - those dreaded ones where they look beautiful on the box but you're spending multiple hours laying down on the floor of your house trying to put together AND not lose even 1 piece at the same time). Metaphorically speaking, each puzzle piece that I add and fit to this puzzle creation adds to the big, final picture, and makes the picture slowly come together and make total sense why that piece is where it is, and to give assurance that it is a part of something bigger and better than just that one little puzzle piece that it is.

See, last year, I used to be scared about turning 30. I didn't like the sound of it, I didn't like the fact I would no longer have that '2' in front of my age, and I was honestly just a little bit scared because society here has painted this picture of these certain expectations we are to have by certain age numbers, and if we aren't there in life yet, then we're 'failing' or are 'falling behind'. I was scared to officially grow up in a sense and felt that I would have to leave certain things behind because I would now have to strive for what our society would deem as bigger and better things. Well...who's to say that MY bigger and better isn't about taking more time to draw and write again, or to start crossing off all these little fun classes and courses that I have always wanted to try, or even just indulging in more healthy and inspiring things like travel, volunteer work, different activities, or spending more time reconnecting with family and friends?

Now that I am 30 and am approaching 31, I honestly feel pretty great with where I am in my life. If you asked me that awhile ago I probably would have said the opposite, but I have shifted and adjusted my definition of happiness and put more into the appreciation and acknowledgement of my quality of life and the people in it that I'm so lucky to have, rather than solely the material aspect ( I talk about this quite a bit in last Sunday's post)

To date, I have learned so much about who I am, and I continue to every single day. I am learning how to be my own best friend, and how to love my flaws. I am also learning how to see the good in bad, and to make sure I keep close the things that I know inspire me. We all have down days, and some days there are times when I just cannot seem to pull myself out of a funk, but the difference is that I know myself. I know that all I need is to give myself that time alone, that time to just block everything else out, and rearrange my thoughts and focus. Once I do that, I go find my inspiration. And I know exactly where it is.