During this past week I realized something. Something I always sort of knew but I guess you could say wasn't quite sure of until recently. You might call it sad, but I just call it what it is.I came to the realization that my Mom and I are just two totally different people and won't ever truly be close. I've always known that we were never close, and growing up was quite evident. But you know how sometimes things can change or evolve as we get older? Well I thought that perhaps maybe as the years went on, we might get there, but we haven't. I don't think we ever really will be, and to be quite honest, I think it's fine. Most people tend to be closer with either their Mom or their Dad, and sometimes some are close with both. I love my Mom dearly, but our personalities just don't quite mesh that way where we truly 'get' each other, and we don't have anything that we even bond over really. From time to time I do try make an honest effort with her whether it's going out for breakfast or dinner and drinks, shopping, or even trying to help her with some things around the house or even just being inquisitive about her day and her hobbies and such. But one thing I learned about that is that no matter how much effort one puts into creating something, if it's just not there and never has been there, then chances are, it probably won't ever be there. In some ways I find this to be a bit sad as every girl wants to have that special mother daughter closeness I think, and I witness this all the time, even amongst my own girlfriends. When I stop and take a second to look at these relationships and evaluate and admire the love that I see, I smile. I smile because it's such a sweet and heartwarming thing to see. I smile because I can only imagine the growth and nurturing it must have taken to get there. But I also smile because although I may not have that, I do have the realization of something else - and that is that I am daddy's girl. Definitely. And no, not the spoiled brat "Daddy!" this and "Daddy!" that. Oh hell no. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even dream of calling my Dad 'Daddy" because something about that word (at least when it comes to us) sounds so whiny and weak (and our Guyanese family is stubborn as hell and try not to show any signs of weakness, even in the simplest forms) See, to call my Dad 'daddy', to me, just sounds like I need something, and like Im still a little girl, when I prefer to have this independent woman state of mind, haha! So 'daddy' just does not fly. Unless you're referring to the term 'daddy's girl' in which it does, in this case.
So anyways, last week my Dad was on vacation for a week. My Mom was alone, and it was Halloween week/weekend. I worked all week but as my nights off came along I decided hey, why not have a chill night with Mom, watch some movies, and have a couple beers? So we did! I think she enjoyed herself. The next day there happened to be a Halloween party going on in the town, and my Mom always wants to go out to Halloween parties and dress up but my Dad never wants to, therefore they never go, and my Moms friends aren't normally into it either. So I have this bright idea at work that day and tell my Mom to put together a costume, Ill reuse one of my old ones and I'll take her to that party and we can Halloween it up together!
Well she loved that idea! So we went out, we had wings, we drank, we checked out all the different costumes and she took some pictures. But throughout that whole evening (and we were there for just over 4 hours) we just didn't have any conversation really. It wasn't anything awkward like being on a bad date, it was just quiet. There wasn't any similarities, no common ground, no mutual interests for conversation....nothing. The most we'd have to say to each other would be random comments about a funny costume we saw, or whether we should order more wings or not. Stuff like that. It was nice being out with my Mama for sure but we are just very different people. So after that night I accepted it for what it was.
Even when I think back to when I was a little girl, some of my most sweetest memories (which are usually memories a girl would have with her mother) are ones with my Dad of when I was done having my bath at night time my Dad would take a comb and de-tangle my long dark hair for me. Then he would part it down the middle or sometimes into three sections and braid my wet hair, fastening it with his version of a quick-fix hair elastic ( a piece of woven chicken twine.....uh huh, yeah you read that right. He's even used those little blue rubber bands that come wrapped around green onions in the grocery store). In the morning before school, I would take them out and have these beautiful soft waves. So sweet. Another fond memory I have is how my Dad bought me my very first CoverGirl compact for me! I remember being in junior high school and that's when all the cool girls would start wearing powder, so I pleaded to my Dad to buy one for me! I laugh as I think about it because his face was priceless. He twisted up his brow, wrinkled up his forehead and asked me what the heck do I need makeup for? I simply had no other explanation other than it was just cool to have. With that, he rolled his eyes, sighed, but got it for me anyway. My brothers would probably disagree with me when I say I wasn't spoiled. I really wasn't (in the normal ways that I guess most girls would be spoiled) as our family didn't have a lot of money growing up, and my Dad was primarily the only one working and supporting a family of six, with one of them being a hellion always getting arrested, getting into serious trouble and doing bad things - the older he got, the worse it got with him, but that's a story for another day.
Back on topic here...........as a matter of fact there was a time growing up, pretty much from pre-teen throughout the teenager years that I didn't like my Mom at all. Yes it was partly because of the hormonal teenaged girl reasons, but there are other bigger reasons as well. Again, maybe a story for another day.
But one thing that I have grown to know and learn as I get older is that when it comes to family, particularly your own Mom and Dad, although you might not get along or might not see eye to eye at all, ever, it's important every now and then to give them a little sign to let them know that although you've recognized your differences, you still recognize their existence, and that they are not unloved. Not unloved at all.
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