I don't know if anyone really read this anymore but today I need to write. Call it an outlet for my thoughts and emotions I guess. I'm going to just keep typing.....no backspacing, no editing, just raw and just me.
Last night for the first time in a long time I prayed. Not like the praying we sometimes do in our head while we are driving or sitting with thoughts or hopes in our heads, but like actual praying.
I put my two hands together, closed my eyes, and talked to God.
Before you get scared off reading this (for whoever actually is reading this out there in the world), I'm not some super religious person at all.This is not a post about finding God or anything like that. If anything it's more spiritual. Yes its true I was born and raised as a Catholic girl. My parents put me in Catholic schools, and my Mom would take us to church occasionally on Sundays - although I don't think she took us for the church factor so much as that she just wanted to find a solution to my hell raiser brothers and the problems they were causing in our family. Nonetheless, I don't think any of that did end up helping much. As for me, as I grew up I developed my own beliefs. I find that I take a bit here and there from a few religions and have sort of developed my own beliefs and ways of thinking.
But one thing I can say is that I do believe in God, a higher power - and last night I felt the need to reach out, whether there was belief or not. And so I prayed, and it felt right to do so.
Have you ever been in a place sometimes where you feel lost or answer-less, or almost like whatever was guiding you has left the building, or at least gone on some temporary vacation? That's how Ive been feeling lately. Its nothing emo, it's definitely not about self-pity. It's just me needing someone to listen, and someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do. I am normally a person who knows exactly what I want and has no problem getting motivated to go and get it. I don't lack confidence, or strength. I lack direction right now, I think. Wouldn't it be nice to have one of those directional street signs that tell you what to do or which path to choose whether its about love, finances, career, pursuits? I think I need one right now.
Many books, documentaries even, will tell you to pay attention to the universe and the clues that it will send you from time to time, and that even you miss one of these guiding clues, don't worry because the universe will send you another one.
Well.....I've been trying to listen to the universe and see what's being put in front of me, and to try make sense of it all. So then I go with it, but it seems to be it has led me into a dead end. I get that obstacles will always be a part of life, and I'm certainly not afraid of them....but what do you do when all you seem to get are just the obstacles? Keep on trying I guess, and keep on looking for answers and signs, and not give up.
In the last five years I'd say I have been so much more in tune with who I am, what I want, and what I value in life. I am aware of the beauty in my life. I am so grateful for opportunities, experiences, and life in general.
So why have I been feeling so lost? This isn't like me at all.
So I prayed. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for support. I prayed for answers. I prayed for the continuous strength and love to get me through it all. I need to know what to do.
I am trying to follow my heart and in doing so I have this plan next month where I will be taking a huge leap of faith into something because if I don't then I will never know. I am hoping that this leap of faith and this risk on a chance for something so huge and important to me will ignite all the dreams, passions, and pursuits in me that need to brought forth and aligned for me so that I will be on the right path that I am supposed to be on, and that all my questions will be answered and everything will become so much more clearer..............because my vision isn't as clear as it should be right now.
So I will pray. Both hands. Eyes closed. But maybe one eye open just so that I can make sure I don't miss the signs of whats in front of me.
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