Quiet Time

I don't know if anyone really read this anymore but today I need to write. Call it an outlet for my thoughts and emotions I guess. I'm going to just keep typing.....no backspacing, no editing, just raw and just me.

Last night for the first time in a long time I prayed. Not like the praying we sometimes do in our head while we are driving or sitting with thoughts or hopes in our heads, but like actual praying.

I put my two hands together, closed my eyes, and talked to God.

Before you get scared off reading this (for whoever actually is reading this out there in the world), I'm not some super religious person at all.This is not a post about finding God or anything like that. If anything it's more spiritual. Yes its true I was born and raised as a Catholic girl. My parents put me in Catholic schools, and my Mom would take us to church occasionally on Sundays - although I don't think she took us for the church factor so much as that she just wanted to find a solution to my hell raiser brothers and the problems they were causing in our family. Nonetheless, I don't think any of that did end up helping much. As for me, as I grew up I developed my own beliefs. I find that I take a bit here and there from a few religions and have sort of developed my own beliefs and ways of thinking.

But one thing I can say is that I do believe in God, a higher power - and last night I felt the need to reach out, whether there was belief or not. And so I prayed, and it felt right to do so.

Have you ever been in a place sometimes where you feel lost or answer-less, or almost like whatever was guiding you has left the building, or at least gone on some temporary vacation? That's how Ive been feeling lately. Its nothing emo, it's definitely not about self-pity. It's just me needing someone to listen, and someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do. I am normally a person who knows exactly what I want and has no problem getting motivated to go and get it. I don't lack confidence, or strength. I lack direction right now, I think. Wouldn't it be nice to have one of those directional street signs that tell you what to do or which path to choose whether its about love, finances, career, pursuits? I think I need one right now.

Many books, documentaries even, will tell you to pay attention to the universe and the clues that it will send you from time to time, and that even you miss one of these guiding clues, don't worry because the universe will send you another one.

Well.....I've been trying to listen to the universe and see what's being put in front of me, and to try make sense of it all. So then I go with it, but it seems to be it has led me into a dead end. I get that obstacles will always be a part of life, and I'm certainly not afraid of them....but what do you do when all you seem to get are just the obstacles? Keep on trying I guess, and keep on looking for answers and signs, and not give up.

In the last five years I'd say I have been so much more in tune with who I am, what I want, and what I value in life. I am aware of the beauty in my life. I am so grateful for opportunities, experiences, and life in general.

So why have I been feeling so lost? This isn't like me at all.

So I prayed. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for support. I prayed for answers. I prayed for the continuous strength and love to get me through it all. I need to know what to do.

I am trying to follow my heart and in doing so I have this plan next month where I will be taking a huge leap of faith into something because if I don't then I will never know. I am hoping that this leap of faith and this risk on a chance for something so huge and important to me will ignite all the dreams, passions, and pursuits in me that need to brought forth and aligned for me so that I will be on the right path that I am supposed to be on, and that all my questions will be answered and everything will become so much more clearer..............because my vision isn't as clear as it should be right now.

So I will pray. Both hands. Eyes closed. But maybe one eye open just so that I can make sure I don't miss the signs of whats in front of me.

AK Has 5 Minutes Of Fame

First things first, to my loyal readers I apologize for the month or so delay of writing. Things got a bit busy, and although writing every Sunday as an excellent way of keeping me dedicated to my blog, I also found that it was becoming a bit of a chore because it started to feel a bit forced when I couldn't think of what to blog about. So my new way of blogging now will be to blog whenever I feel inspired to do so. That way it will be as real as it gets! So......onto my thoughts for today......

Today while I was out on my run with the incredibly hot summer sun beating down on me, and the sweet smells and visions of summer, it got me thinking about happiness. Now hot weather, and summer time always do that to me - it always makes me happier. I mean, whats not to love about the summertime? People generally are happier, people are out and about doing things they love to do with family and friends, and the days are longer. Sunshine is the cure for everything, I swear. So it got me feeling happy, it got me thinking about happiness, and it got me thinking about what makes other people happy. I started thinking about times where I wasn't happy, times where I could have been happier, and times where I sacrificed happiness for other things as so many people these days tend to do. I thought about how many people tend to choose money over happiness, and how people also seem to somehow forget along the way what they truly value and what makes them happy both in life(in general) and in love.
Since I was a teenager and first started dating compared to my age now I have learned a lot about the things I don't want in a relationship, and things that I do want. Some of those things have also altered over the years, and some things have changed value incredibly. This I believe comes with dating experience and age.
I think its quite easy for most of us both men and female to sit there and say what we want out of a relationship with a special someone. It's very easy to state the obvious, whether these qualities have just been something fed to us over the years or drilled into our minds of what we should want versus what we actually do want, or whether it's a carefully thought out list of qualities we have discovered in time.
If I am being honest with myself here, I will say that the qualities I look for in someone have pretty much stayed the same over the years, however some things have become more apparent and also taken priority over other qualities. This is something I have realized over the past couple months. 
Now I have always known I felt this way and believed in these certain qualities and looked for them, but sometimes in life we need to take a minute to step back, evaluate, realize, recognize and truly appreciate it when we see it........and most importantly, to NOT forget the feeling it gives you or the importance of which it is that adds value to your life and a smile to your day.
I could sit here and compose a list of qualities I look for in a boyfriend/husband. Some of them would have you thinking "Well duh! Of course! Who doesn't want someone who's respectful, sweet, caring, loyal, smart?". Although I do have a list of things I look for in someone (as we all do), there are two things that became really apparent to me recently, and particularly today as I was thinking about it on my run.
The first thing ; someone who makes me laugh. I mean truly makes me laugh. When was the last time you dated someone whom you could just laugh with about anything and everything and all the stupid little silly things in between? Laughter and the beauty of sharing laughter with someone is not something that should be overlooked. It is the essence of life and communication and building long lasting relationships. It's the great part of life that takes us away momentarily from the really crappy or dull parts of life. Ive always loved being with someone who makes me laugh,  but perhaps I had taken for granted just how amazingly awesome it really is when you find someone like that. If you aren't able to lay back and laugh hard with them, then you are missing out my friend.
The second thing ; someone who inspires me in any aspect of my life. What is better than the feeling inside of being inspired by someone or the feeling inside of knowing you inspired someone? Simply put, I think it's a very beautiful thing. If you stop for a minute and think of all the mental or emotional steps it takes one to become so inspired to actually do something with it, and to take that thought and turn it into an action? It's absolutely incredible. I have realized recently that when it comes to relationships it's really important to find someone who can find inspiration either in themselves or with you, to find someone who is motivated, who isn't stagnant but rather colorful, dynamic, moving.........anything but still. As long as there is movement, there will always be growth, change, and possibilities. I think it's so important to have that in a relationship because when one person is down, feeling low or in a dark place, then the other has the ability to take them in their arms, tilt their chin up and show them the sunshine. It's about balance and being able to complement each others personalities. I always knew how important this all was but I somehow forgot just how much I really loved and appreciated that until I started experiencing it again myself.
Being with someone who makes you laugh, who inspires you, whom you can share the joy in each others passions with, and whom you can hopefully inspire is such a beautiful thing, a rare thing, and just a few of what I believe to be the key components to a happy long-lasting relationship. If you are so lucky to have that or to find it, make sure you never take that for granted. Yes it's true when they say it's all about the little things, but really.......the little things aren't so little at all. In fact, they are huge.

Invitation To Love

Invitation To Love

Come when the nights are bright with stars

Or come when the moon is mellow;

Come when the sun his golden bars

Drops on the hay-field yellow.

Come in the twilight soft and gray,

Come in the night or come in the day,

Come, O love, whene'er you may,

And you are welcome, welcome.

You are sweet, O Love, dear Love,

You are soft as the nesting dove.

Come to my heart and bring it to rest

As the bird flies home to its welcome nest.

Come when my heart is full of grieft

Or when my heart is merry;

Come with the falling of the leaf

Or with the redd'ning cherry.

Come when the summer gleams and glows,

Come with the winter's drifting snows,

And you are welcome, welcome

~ Paul Laurence Dunbar

S Is For Spontaneous

Being spontaneous means to live in the present moment, to act or engage in a plan without fear, to get an idea and just go with it! Now I can't say that I am always spontaneous, however from time to time I most definitely love being spontaneous by just doing something totally random, unexpected even, and not really over thinking things but rather just going with the flow.
So I did just that this past week. It was completely random and I decided to go on a mini road trip with a friend of mine. We didn't go too far as I had to work the following day but we still totally ventured out to new territory.
As I said, it was a totally random decision. I literally opened my eyes while still laying in bed and thought to myself  'I need to get in my car, and hit the open road outta here'. So after a phone conversation, we headed out together about a couple hours outside of Calgary. Now that's not what was so much spontaneous as this next quick decision we made. So we're visiting this small city, being tourists, checking out random things, kickin' it around town, having good laughs, conversation, and the whole thing. We stopped in at this super old looking saloon. An actual saloon! This thing looked like it had been there since the early 1900s! Upon rolling up in there and parking our seats at the old wooden bar to order two frosty cold beers, we made ourselves quite at home chatting with the bartender there. She was a sweet old woman, but not the type to be taken lightly as being a door mat for bullshit or bad attitudes, no, you could tell she knew how to run that bar. She was telling us stories of the saloon, how old it is, and how it's rumored to be haunted. She explained some stories or experiences of her own, and that only intrigued us more. As we listened eagerly to each word, she suggested we check out this town called Wayne. She told us how it is one of Alberta's most popular ghost towns, and about how historic it was, and stories of the ghosts and hauntings within.
Now at this point, after being on an already spontaneous whim of this last minute road trip getaway, and not to mention the fact that we stopped off at this giant t-rex statue where we climbed to the top and threw a lucky penny off where we made a wish, and on top of randomly finding this saloon and stopping in for a small town beer, we decided to go to the next town of Wayne and get our ghost town on! So in the car we went! On the drive there I did a quick little Google research on my phone and discovered a bit of pretty cool historical information. I found out the Rosedale Hotel and Last Chance Saloon had been there since 1912, the current population of the town is 33 aaaaaand the hotel and saloon are both haunted and have quite the history behind it. The third floor of the hotel is forbidden basically and they don't go up there or even rent out rooms to anyone there because it is said to be haunted by a ghost. The third floor housed some horrible events back then, involving Ku Klux Klan, and even tortures where people were beaten, tarred, and feathered - I know, pretty creepy right? But intriguing for me at the same time. I was super curious and almost fascinated to learn more. Funny how when I was younger and in school I had no interest in history really, and now? Well now stuff like this is interesting to me, hearing everyone's stories, knowing who was here before me, listening to peoples life stories and how places became what they are today.....it's pretty interesting I must say.
So anyways after driving over multiple weird little bridges, creepy small town-ness in the middle of nowhere, we arrived at the Last Chance Saloon and Rosedale Hotel, and stopped in for good old greasy diner-style appies, beers, and even bought souvenier shirts repping the Last Chance Saloon to remind us of our super awesome, and totally random day!
We were lucky enough to have the owner sit down with us, give us a history lesson of the town of Wayne, explain all the nostalgic memorabilia laden on the walls (including the actual original bullet holes in the wall that were out there by the original owner of the saloon back in 1912 - he shot his revolver at patrons who tried to duck out on paying their bill) . She also gave us a mini tour of the hotel rooms there ( there weren't many, maybe 10 tops). I asked about seeing the third floor and naturally she said no and that no one goes up there. The allure and curiosity of that made me want to see it even more! Yes I know I'm crazy. But after a great afternoon of touring the place, getting a history lesson and basically taking it back in time for a day, hours away from our homes in the city, we felt almost rejuvenated in an odd sort of way. Part of it was the fresh air, being on the open road, and just all the awesomeness of friends getting together for a road trip, laughing, talking, connecting and all, and part of it was the super cool experience of doing something new and different, but mostly it was really and truly just the root of it all - the root and purpose of spontaneity. We didn't plan it, we both just woke up, made immediate decisions, went on a whim, had an absolutely amazing and unforgettable day making the best of memories. The reason I love spontaneous times like these is because one never has the feeling of waiting or getting impatient anticipating a predetermined plan. You don't get the chance to be impatient if eager - you just get to experience the fun and beauty of making an immediate decision not knowing the next step or plan.......and those can be some of the most greatest times of your life, making the most wonderful of memories.

Motors Get My Motor Running

Today I have a lot of things of my mind. Many things I could write about for pages on end. But I don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind to be voicing my opinions and thoughts just yet. Lately there have been a quite a few things on my mind, quite a few things leaving me puzzled, and quite a few upsetting things. But I think instead of writing about those things, I will write about something totally different in the vain hope that it takes over all the other shitty little things in my mind, and that it all just transcends into this beautiful and uplifting realm of happiness. How many times did I just say "things" ? Geez Amanda......
Anyhow, soooooo I'm super excited to be doing something that I have wanted to do for a very long time! To learn how to ride a motorcycle! So cool, right? I'm signing up for lessons this week FINALLY and I couldn't be more thrilled! ( how's that for writing about something totally different?) I have wanted to ride a motorcycle since the first time I saw my brother Raymond on his moped way back in the 90s! Seriously, that's where it all started! Then when I got my very first taste of driving (a car) I liked it, a lot. And being in our family, I swear it's in our blood, the whole car loving thing. Perhaps if I didn't grow up with three brothers and my Dad I wouldn't have been into cars or anything boyish but that's not the case at all. Fast forward years ahead and I'm on my third car and absolutely live to drive (and speed) . No I don't drive like an idiot, I promise, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like going fast or being one with the road.
Now driving my cars is something I've always enjoyed. In fact I enjoy all aspects - I enjoy learning about how to fix certain things, I enjoy even just learning about the general mechanics of a car, and I really enjoy the time spent washing, waxing, polishing my car top to bottom, inside and out ( my neighbours must think I'm crazy when I'm out there every second day in the summer shining up my ride) And what's even more hilarious about our family (aside from my Mom) is that we all have our OWN car cleaning stash/crate, and if ANYONE is seen rummaging through one another's car cleaning supplies, we pretty much freak out and ask them what the hell do they think we're doing? It's actually making me laugh out loud as I type this. We're so nuts. Oh and Sundays? I've deemed Sundays as ' Car Day' ....well in the warm weather seasons of course. Doesn't meant I spend alllllll day maintaining/cleaning my car, but a good chunk of time is spent doing that, not gonna lie. However, now I blog every Sunday, and I run every single Sunday so a little shifting around of the schedule will be necessary but never ignored.
Anyways the point of this post isn't even supposed to be about cars, but if felt the need to give you a little background on just how car crazy I can get, for a female, ha ha ha! So I'm sure you can see how this ties into the desire to learn to ride a motorcycle. Simply put, it's fast, sexy, has a motor, and would be a perfect addition to my little world of wheels. Also to note, my youngest brother Robert is on board too and wants his bike license! So we are going to take it together.
I couldn't even tell you exactly what it is about the whole bike thing and need to drive it but if I had to guess I think it's the fact that it's totally wide open, the road and I, two wheels, and just a totally different feeling than being inside a car.
Some people say it's a great idea to ride a motorcycle, some people say the opposite. Yes there is risk in riding, but there is risk in everything. One thing I've come to the realization of is that being too scared to do something is only going to limit you, and if we spend our lives being too scared to do anything then we just might miss out on so many great things! So instead of taking the easy way out and being too scared, I'm gonna look it straight in the face, get on that bike and damn well learn how to ride it! Then after that point I'm pretty sure I'll know exactly if motorcycle riding is for me me or not. I just have this vision....the open road, all black crotch rocket style bike, leathers head to toe and my long hair blowing in the wind under my helmet, road trips down the coast of California.... ahhhh yes.
Really though, I'm just so excited, so thrilled. I know I'll have to be really careful but that's part of the excitement of it all, isn't it? The thrill of the ride? That badass, fast feel? I cannot wait.
Stay tuned for updates on that one in the month to come.....also know as May, my birthday month (eek! Turning 31!)

Randomness At It's Finest : An Interview With My Not-So-Little Bro

Sometimes my blog posts are deep. Sometimes they're inspiring and enlightening, and educational. Sometimes they're just beefs or ranting. And sometimes they're just entertaining and funny randomness! Thus the spawning of today's post....today I bring you an 'interview' of random questions I decided to ask my brother. I had to lure him in with some cold beers in order to get his time, but nonetheless he obliged. There's really no rhyme or reason, but rather I'm not sure what to write about today and I've always thought that reading funny questionnaires or interviews make me laugh! And Robert, my youngest brother at twenty-six years old is the one I've decided to corner today to give me some material! Hope you somewhat enjoy a good carefree mindless laugh at it - I know I sure did! Enjoy!

" Hey Robert! How's that beer tasting? Ready to be asked the questions?"
*takes a swig of beer* " Yep! Ask away!"
....and it begins.........

1) What was your favourite childhood memory?
Going to the park after school and playing with friends.

2) If you could be invisible, where would you go and what would you do?
   Break into an Audi dealership and steal my R8 and go rip down the highway.

3) What would you do if you won the lottery?
    Go traveling , specifically Guyana, buy an endless supply of rum, and do some investing.

4) What's your favorite alcoholic drink?
     El Dorado

5) What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
    Just shy of 48 hours

6) If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
    How many guns will I have before I stopped buying guns?

7) What would be your dream sandwich?
    Gettin' some sandwich action!(not by guys)

8)  What was your biggest fear as a kid?
  Chucky from 'Child's Play' and Zeebo The Clown from 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?'

9) What irritates you the most?
   Crying babies and disobedient kids.

10) What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?
Thinking I could punch my fist through a two-by-six that was supported by a four-by-four support beam for a deck (this was after drinking a two six, half a case of beer, shots and hours in the sun tanning and on an empty stomach)

11) If you could travel anywhere in the world to a place you haven't yet been, where would it be?
   Brazil


12) You just found a genie lamp! Quick! What are your 3 wishes?!
   Unending supply of money,  live in Guyana, and have my own empire in Guyana


13) What is the definition of total and complete happiness/bliss to you?
Being stranded on a tropical island with no means of rescue whatsoever only to stumble upon a massive underground storage filled with lots of pirate rum and food and lay on the beach drinking rum, soaking up sun rays. Id also want an old antique pirate ship made of wood so if I wanted I could sail anywhere and live off pirate land like Jack Sparrow.


14) What was your favorite Halloween costume and why?
When I dressed up like a woman and you (me) helped do my makeup and get me all woman-like! Hahaha, I friggin' looked like Michael Jackson!

Logic VS. Gut

One thing I love about blogging is how easily I can be inspired for a topic at the most random of times or events. Just yesterday while sitting in a mall food court enjoying some delicious pad Thai and people watching, I became inspired for a topic involving the people and interactions that I was witnessing. I thought to myself  "okay this is what I'm going to write about tomorrow for sure!"

But then....fast forward later into the evening and I found myself over at our family next door neighbor's house who's a great friend of ours, enjoying a fun little Saturday night get together. Some of my family, some of his family, basically all one awesome family and all awesome friends.

It was such a fun evening filled with good food, drinks, belly-splitting laughs, and great conversation!

We're honestly just so lucky to have a neighbor like Charles, one who welcomes us into his home just as if we were family, has no judgement or fakeness and is an absolute blast to be around and tell stories with. Most people never even get to know their neighbors names nowadays! So the fact that Charles had invited us over to meet one of his brothers who had just flown in from Newfoundland to visit, and to meet some of his old time friends was really quite an honor, if I may put it that way.

I personally have always believed that whenever one meets anothers family member, whether it's on a friend basis, a professional basis or a romantically involved relationship, that person has chosen to let down one of their walls for you to welcome you into a more personal part of their life. It means they actually see value in you and the relationship that you share. To me, that's just beautiful.

So getting to my point, amongst all the great conversation through the night, I engaged in one in particular that inspired this post today. It was something so simple, so uncomplicated and so pure that it almost made me want to slap myself in the head for not paying more attention to this in my real life. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how true it was, and how sometimes in life we need that person to take us out of this crazy world for a minute and remind us how to listen to that natural voice inside us. And so I dedicate this post to the Lee brothers, and to Bruce specifically for making me tune in just a little bit more to my own heart.

Bruce and I started talking about relationships and the dating world today. People tend to be a bit surprised when I tell them I'm single and that I have in fact been for quite some time. I'm a long term relationship kinda gal, and after any end of a relationship I personally feel the need to take time to distance myself from that ended past relationship, have my own time to regenerate and renew, and then only from there will I feel ready to open myself up to the possibility of something new in my life with someone I care about. There are many different important factors that make up a relationship, a thriving and meaningful relationship, and everyone has their own 'check list' of things they need or want in one. Some things on that list can be overlooked and aren't really necessary, and some things are absolute. Basically we all know what we will and will not stand for and we all know what we want in a relationship. I like to think this comes with age and experience (at least from my experience) - the more dating experiences both good and bad that you've had in a lifetime will only further sharpen your precision on what exactly you like and do not like. We're all different and unique that way, and that's what draws one person to another, that's how levels of compatibility are formed.

This makes us selective with our choices because we don't want to waste our time, or the other persons time. There is truly something to be said about people who take their time finding that person and not just dating someone just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I think so many people stay together for the wrong reasons, and on that same note so many people avoid being together for even MORE wrong reasons. And why? Well if you really dig to the root of it all, it usually comes down to society in the sense of being worried what other people will think. Sure there are those one off valid reasons, but I think the logic of it all is sometimes rather poisonous.

See Bruce was explaining to me about logic versus your gut, or your heart. So the question is which one do we listen to? Or which one should we listen to? In some scenarios, I'd say logic, but when it comes to love and relationships, why aren't we all listening more to our hearts or our gut feeling rather than our brains? The brain is mean I decipher things, be analytical,  provide equations and send messages on how we should feel. So then I ask you, how does the brain know what we should feel? Those thoughts must have been out there somehow, the brain was was not pre-programmed upon birth. It was and is society that puts these certain thoughts into our heads. It's the logic that has been formed to make us think something is right or wrong for us. But what about the oldest most purest form , the most natural form - how we feel inside?  It's so easy to silence that gut feeling whether it may be a good feeling or a really bad feeling,so we do it anyways because that's the logical answer, and apparently the logical answer is always the right one.

Well I totally disagree.

Bruce told me a story about how he was in a relationship for something like 15 years but had never truly had that feeling like he wanted to marry this woman. He couldn't figure out why really but logically he felt he should stay. Then eventually the relationship ended and he met a wonderful woman whom only after knowing for a short while knew he wanted to be with and marry. He explained how the logic was trying to get in the way - he had everyone telling him he shouldn't marry her for different silly reasons, and it would have been so easy to just listen to the logic of it, but instead he chose to listen to his heart and married her. His gut feeling was telling him this was right, but the logic was slightly saying different. He ignore the logic and is so happy he did, and he is in a happy and loving relationship with his best friend, his beautiful wife. So Bruce gave me his advice, I'm its sweetest most simplest form - listen to my gut feeling, not the logic. It was my Mr Miyagi moment with Bruce Lee (yes that's his name :)  ) and so I had to share it with the world.

This story made me wonder and clue in to just how many times I may have been listening to much to my logical side when I should have probably should have just silenced that voice a bit and given my gut instinct the benefit of the doubt. So before I left at the end of the night, which ended at 4am, as my parting gift of wisdom from him, he said "Remember Amanda...." and points to his stomach and smiles, then point to his head, frowns and shakes his head to say 'no'.  Sweetest advice ever. To all the Lee brothers of the Charlie clan, especially Bruce and Charlie, thank you for being just awesome!